Thursday, August 9, 2007

Changes

I cried myself to sleep last night. Great headache-inducing sobs. My life is about to change and I am NOT ready for this new phase.

My oldest son, Connor, is starting kindergarten. I have been counting the weeks, anxious for this difficult summer to be over, when it dawned on me that summer's end means my oldest will be marching off to school. How did this happen?? How did I end up here, faced with this enormous change? My son, whom it seems was a baby only yesterday, is suddenly growing up right before my eyes.

His life will no longer be under my constant care. For five years I have watched over him, protected him, dried his tears and scared the nightmares away. Now he'll be making new friends, going on new adventures and learning new lessons. And I won't be a part of it. Yes, I know he'll still need me and he's going to come home and share those new experiences with me, but I won't be there. And sure this is only kindergarten, but really it's the beginning of his independence and a time where he will discover who he really is. The next thirteen years will be a time of developing, growing and changing.

I know this is going to happen. I can't stop it, nor would I want to. But I'd like to pause it, maybe put it on hold for another five years. I know there are lots of parents who anxiously wait for the school years to begin, but I'm feeling like it's come too quick. The years of wanting to marry mom and be a superhero are drawing to a close. Not today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon, much quicker than I'd like.

I know I'm a bit of a control freak and this post just proves it, but I'm finding it a little hard to let go and let God. My head tells me that these kids are His and they're in His hands, but my heart is screaming they're mine! I'm feeling anxious wondering what friends will he make? will he find his way to the classroom? will he make it on time to the bathroom? will he remember his homework? what do I make for gluten-free lunches? Stuff like that.

But I'm working on it. I'm praying and I know that they're making it past the ceiling even if it doesn't always feel that way.

On a lighter note, it looks like Chad and I will be heading to Edmonton for another dinner theatre this weekend. We're going up, without the kids, for his mother's birthday. We're going to do another show like last time, just the six of us - in-laws, brother-in-law and his wife and Chad and I. I'm really looking forward to it. I loved the last one we went to and I'm excited to go again. However, there will be no dancing on the stage this time...for me. Watch out mother-in-law! It's your birthday and I'm making sure they know it! LOL! And I'm bringing my camera!!

12 comments:

Jenster said...

Oh, Hon. I can so relate. I sobbed the night before Taylor started kindergarten. By the time I finished blubbering to Todd I had him graduating college, getting married and moving very far away. It was horrible.

But you know what? He loved kindergarten and I got used to it.

Katie starting kindergarten was another matter. I think I went into a depression because nobody needed me anymore. Dramatic, huh? But I did lose 30 pounds!!

Now I think about the fact Taylor only has three more years before college and I can cry in an instant. Or watching Katie's further independence from me.

But I've learned this in the 15 years I've been a mom. They ALWAYS need us. At least until they're good and truly out on their own.

**sigh**

Shauna said...

Jenster, I almost started crying while reading your comment. Why does it have to be so hard? *sigh* I hate change. I know it's necessary and unavoidable, but it's hard all the same.

Jenster said...

Hey Shauna. I have another good blogger friend that you need to check out. She's awesome and is her post today made me think of you. I'm going to give her your blog addy, too.

Her name is Jen and her blog is Life on the Mountain at http://life-on-the-mountain.blogspot.com/

You two remind me a lot of each other. :o)

Jen said...

Oh Gosh! I do not want to even think about kindergarten! LOL I have been sending the kids to preschool a couple of days a week to wean *MYSELF* from having to be there 24/7. Sometimes I wonder about myself. I think I might be in trouble here!! I still have a whole year of preschool before I have to let my daughter go to kindergarten. I feel for you my dear!

So, are you from Alberta? I have been to Alberta several times. It is very much like Montana in parts :-) Take care and thank you so much for stopping by my blog. That Jenster. Bless her! She is a sweetie!

Jen said...

Oh, and here is a BIG HUG for you - one Mom to another! We will get through out respective stuff - kicking and screaming, sobbing and crying maybe - but we will make it.

Shauna said...

Jen, thanks for visiting my blog. I bookmarked yours so I can keep checking back, so you'll be seeing me around.

I remember my sons' first day of play school. :-(

Here's a *HUG* right back at ya!

Marianne Arkins said...

I homeschool, so haven't been through that heart-wrenching time. It's hard enough when she goes off for a sleepover at a friends house, or away for a daughter/daddy day.

Hang in there, and like Jenster said -- they'll always need you. Just in a different way.

Anonymous said...

Shauna,
Time just keeps up picking up speed. I know how hard it is to have these changes in life that make what I like to call my new normal. I usually accept them kicking and screaming but they just happen anyway and when I get used to it they acually turn out to be great. Each one turns into the best. I've been through almost all the stages and I have to tell you that your kids will aways need you. Even when they are out on their own and independant. That's what's so great about these kind of changes. You'll always be needed.

Have to say though, that I'm entering pobably one of the hardest changes and that is my grandson going to kindergarten. Now I won't get to see him everyday or so, and as he makes more and more friends I won't be one of his best friends. He will all to soon stop begging to come to my house to have a movie night, but hopefully our friendship to this point will be deep enough that he won't beg to stay home when his parents come.

Well, there I go rambling, just like an old grandma.LOL Oh...I am one.

ym

Swishy said...

Ohhhhh! Hang in there. It will be OK, and he'll run home and want to tell you all about it. And just remember, college is a long ways away :)

Jen said...

Shauna-
Do you mind if I add you into my side bar?

Shauna said...

Marianne, I'm trying to remember that no matter their age, I'll always be their mom. Hard to sometimes keep that perspective, though.

ym, your Grandson will always have that special bond with you!

Swishy, I'm hopin' he wants to share it with his mom. And I can't even think about college! Ahhh.

Jen, I would be HONORED!! Go right ahead. I'm updating mine when I have a minute and hope it's okay if I add yours, too. I already have it pegged under favs, but I'd like to list it, too.

Katybug said...

I cry at the beginning of school EVERY YEAR. It started in preschool and has continued through kindergarten, first and second grades. I'm now gearing up for third grade, starting next week. My husband always gets it on tape too...looking my absolute worst. The first day of school is always the most difficult, but as time passes, it's the last day of school that becomes sad! :-)